Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Do You Know Who I Am?

Right now, I don't have a clue who I am...but that's because I've been inhaling paint fumes for a few weeks now, and fighting off a hack-y case of flu, to boot. Every time I finish a job, I think, 'Hooray! We're making progress!'
   Now it's on to planting some more of the garden -- plus painting the ceilings. Paint dripping in your eyes and hair -- oh goody. I was teasing the Brick that he has a Painted Woman, a la Azeem in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves:


 While researching something else (I'll mention that soon), I cam across this very funny, biting urban legend. Quoting from the e-mail that spread it:


DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
Star 100.7 Radio Station was doing one of their "is anyone listening who" bits this morning. The first one was, "Ever have a celebrity pull the 'do you know who I am' routine?"
A lady called in and said that when she was visiting her cattle rancher Uncle in Billings, MT a few years ago, they went to dinner at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The wait was about 45 minutes. Lots of other rancher types and their spouses were already waiting.
In comes Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. They want a table. The hostess says they'll have to wait about 45 minutes. Jane Fonda asks if she knows who she is? "Yes, but you'll still have to wait 45 minutes." Then Jane says, "Is the manager in?"
The manager comes out, "May I help you?" "Do you know who I am?", ask both Jane and Ted. "Yes, but these folks have all been waiting already and I can't put you in ahead of them."
Then Ted asks to speak to the owner. The owner comes out. Jane again asks, "do you know who I am?"
The owner says "Yes, I do.... Do you know who I am? I am the owner of this restaurant and a Vietnam Veteran. Not only will you not get a table ahead of all of my friends and neighbors here, but you also will not be eating in my restaurant tonight or any other night. Good bye."
Only in America, what a great country!

Sure, it may have happened. (HA.) A similar story, minus the veterans connection, was spread a few years ago about Martha Stewart trying to use the phone at a store -- and being told no. When she kicked up a fuss, the guy behind her (either Donald Trump or Martin Scorsese, depending on who's telling it) says, "Hey, they don't let me use the phone, either!"
    Here's another one:
A celebrity went to visit a nursing home for a charity event and was dismayed that no one seemed to recognize him. He started thinking that, perhaps, the old folks were just being polite by not accosting him for autographs and the like. So he went up to one old lady and said, "Do you know who I am?" The lady smiled and instantly the celebrity was reassured that the fame he'd worked so hard for hadn't slipped away. The old lady said, "Don't worry. The nurse can tell you who you are."

Here's another one, again with poor Martha as the target:
"Do you know who I am?" she [Martha Stewart] demanded, at which point the waiter climbed onto a chair and clanged a spoon against a glass. "Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen," he announced to the room at large. "I wonder if you can help. There's a lady here who doesn't seem to know who she is."

And this Internet story, supposedly about Danny Bonaduce (remember him from The Partridge Family?):
DANNY: Can I get a room, please?
FRONT DESK MAN: We're full, I'm sorry.
DANNY: (chuckles) Yeah, ah, do you know who I am?
FRONT DESK MAN: Does it matter?
DANNY: Well, I was on The Partridge Family.
FRONT DESK MAN: The what?
DANNY: It was a TV show. Back in the - I'm Danny Bonaduce.
FRONT DESK MAN: I'm a little busy right now, sir.
DANNY: I also host The Other Half.
FRONT DESK MAN: The other half of what?
DANNY: (leans in and whispers) Look, okay, don't say anything, but... I was on that show... um, Celebrity... Celebrity Boxing.
FRONT DESK MAN: OH! Oh YEAH! CELEBRITY BOXING! ON FOX!
DANNY: Shhh... shhh...
FRONT DESK MAN: Yeah, I LOVED you on that!
DANNY: Thanks. Thanks a lot. So what do you think,
can I --
FRONT DESK MAN: No, I'm sorry, we're full.

This type of humor's been around for a long time. Witness this excerpt from an 1886 issue of the San Francisco Chronicle:
There was once a very important State official in California who thought that everybody knew him, or ought to know him. He was one day walking through a field, when a bull addressed him in an undertone and made for him with its head down and horns in a position to raise him. He was a State official, a man of dignity and political power and natural pomposity, but he ran. He ran surprisingly well. He ran even better than he did for office, and he got to the fence first. He clambered over out of breath and dignity, and found the owner of the bull calmly contemplating the operation. What do you mean, sir?" asked the irate official, "What do you mean by having an infuriated animal like that roaming over the fields?"
"Well, I guess the bull has some right in the field --"
"Right! Right! Do you know who I am, sir? Do you know who I am?"
The farmer shook his head.
"I, sir, I am General ------ ",
"Why in thunder didn't you tell the bull?"

Jane and Ted go to dinner
   Rush Limbaugh, during his April 10, 1996 radio show, seems to be the earliest person to bring up the Jane and Ted Go To Dinner story. Other variations say the boorish diners were John Kerry and his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry. (Many thanks to the 'Urban Legends' section of About.com for these instances.) Another discussion is at Snopes.com, an excellent clearinghouse for rumors and weird stories. (Some which end up to be true!) According to Snopes, Jane Fonda did indeed go to one of the restaurants connected with the story -- Sir Scott's Oasis Steakhouse in Manhattan, MT. But according to the folks at Sir Scott's, Jane just said she had to leave when the 45-min. wait was mentioned. Bo-ring...but probably true.

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