Saturday, September 13, 2014

Bits and Quips from Mark Twain

...bless his little heart.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

Reader, suppose you were an idiot. Now suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.   (Seems particularly fitting, while we're in the grip of the upcoming elections...)

There is probably no distinctly American criminal class, except Congress.

His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

Take the lies out of him and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.

To be good is noble; but to show others how to be good is nobler and less trouble.

Always do right. That will gratify some of the people, and astonish the rest.

By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.

It's not the parts of the Bible that I don't understand that bother me, it's the parts I do understand.

A banker lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

The very ink with which history is written is merely fluid prejudice.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

If you don't read the newspaper, you are uninformed; if you do, you are misinformed.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after, he knows too little.

Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.

The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.

The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

(Thanks, The

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