Five Lessons Already Learned from a British Cruiseline

*HOW TO MAKE SURE THE AMERICANS ARE ON BOARD:  Stuff them in a (very nice) hotel…but don’t give any instructions until late in the evening before. (Or not at all, as two of our compatriots almost found out. They woke up at 11 – we were supposed to meet at 11:30.) Hustle them out to waiting busses, and load their luggage. Then wait. And wait. And wait some more. They’ll be so relieved that they don’t have to figure the way to Tilbury (the ship’s dock) that they’ll wait forever. Besides, who’s going to take off without their luggage?

     Finally, drive them out to the check-in point, and stick them in a queue, hours before the paperwork said they could register. We may still have to stand in line, but at least we’re doing it ‘early.’ Reward them with a glass of champagne or orange juice before they board – getting them at least partly snockered takes the edge off the confusion.

*QUEUING:  There are INTERMINABLE lines. The Brits call them ‘queues,’ and we stand in line for everything --  checking in, food, questions, payments, etc. This wouldn’t be too bad, except the counter people (or the guests – I haven’t figured out which yet) are the slowest people in the universe. That, and my bum right knee won’t let me stand in place more than ten minutes or so before it starts grumbling. The only fun has been talking to the people around us, who are mostly from the U.K.

     After we got on the ship, the Brick and I decided to rebel. We usually wait until fewer people are around, or go just before the event starts. Or, in the case of requesting to see passports and visas again, we just don’t go. They’ve already asked for this twice before, and we’ve shown them each time. Did they lose everybody’s paperwork?!? 

     The Brits we’ve talked to also think all this queuing is silly…but they say they’ve grown up doing it, and are resigned to it. Not the Americans, we’ve noticed.

*VARY YOUR ANSWERS: First, we were told we could use the bonus credit in our account for anything onboard. Then we were told that meant only things like liquor, coffee and meals at the upscale restaurants. THEN we were told we could use it for paying for excursions. Which was what we wanted, in the first place.

     Once again, as one of our lunchmates said, “Don’t ask until you know you’ll like the answer.” Or just keep asking until it changes to that, I guess.

*USE INTERESTING PHRASES:  Since we really don’t speak ‘English,’ or so several grinning meal partners have said (or implied), we keep hearing phrases that need translation. Not only are there ‘queues’ and the ‘loo’ (or bathroom), but others – like exits, for example. (They’re marked ‘WAY OUT.’) This isn’t so bad; you just have to ponder it for a moment before you understand. My favorite, so far, has been the British wont for marking attendance: ‘ticking off,’ they say. Every time someone announces this, I find myself automatically wondering what they’re so angry about. One of our new Scottish friends says it means that the list is complete, when it’s ‘ticked off.’

*KEEP THE FOOD (AND DRINKS) COMING. AND COMING. AND COMING.  Sausage (very soft and fine-grained inside, much like the ones we had in Ireland), bacon and hotcakes (served with jam and honey) for breakfast. All sorts of stuff, from salads to main dishes, for dinner (lunch). One of the entrees is always a curry. (We’re told that the head chefs are from India.)

     The evening meal is the same, if you hit the buffet, but much more gourmet if you use your ‘seating’ at the main restaurant. Order whatever you like from the two or three choices; they’ll arrive, elegantly presented, with fresh silverware for every course. Of course, they’re tiny – but after so much food, you’ll be grateful. And yes, the Indian influence shows up here, as well.

    The food has been very good, though their presentation of ‘American dishes’ has been laughable. ‘New England clam chowder’ was a grainy potato soup with a few clams thrown in. ‘Chicken Mexican fajitas’ had no garlic, and the overcooked pieces had a suspicious yellow glaze. (Curry powder, I suspect.) The salads are crunchy and fresh, and the bread is outstanding, as are any kind of stew or slow-simmered dish. (Unfortunately, vegetables like zucchini, or ‘aubergines,’ are treated the same way, until they’re watery and mushy.) Their ‘mash’ (mashed potatoes) are doable, but the ‘chips’ (French fries) are terrific. And the fish? Oh my. Tender, crisp (when it’s fish and chips) and seasoned just right. I may be living on fish a lot these coming months.

    For drinks, you have coffee, tea and water – that’s it. Order a Coke, a glass of wine or specialty coffee, and you’re going to be paying extra for it. We’ve noticed a fair number of Brits ordering a full bottle of wine, then reserving with their room number on it. The next meal, their bottle is brought out for a few more glasses. They tell us this is much cheaper than buying wine by the glass.

     We Hollanders would rather choke than pay for overpriced drinks. So the Brick bought a bottle of Jameson’s whisky in Rotterdam, and has a tot every evening. (For medicinal purposes, naturally.) Our next stop is Funchal, a Madeira town known for its famous fortified wines. We’ll have to get a few more bottles. Strange, the other lines we’ve gone on haven’t allowed liquor back on board. But this one doesn’t seem to care.

     Add in sandwiches and sweets for tea, and late-night snacks, and we could be easily waddling out of here if we’re not careful. So we’ve instituted a more iron standard: a light breakfast (if at all); mostly salad for lunch; and no more than three or four courses for dinner (supper). I miss potato chips – ‘crisps’ -- and popcorn, and the Brick’s yearning eyes turn toward real brownies. (The ones here are incredibly dry – though not that bad with whipped cream or ‘pud’ – pudding.)

Occasionally we splurge. But we also take the stairs.

     P.S. No one has said a word about the ‘I Believe in Bigfoot’ tote bag I brought along, Darn, darn, darn.