Musings, Confusings...And Thoughts on Why Poor People Make Bad Decisions

Sunday night...I've been fighting off the flu. Couldn't get warm all afternoon -- but that may have been in part because it's FREEZING around here. Nearly every night, it's been below zero, and often around -10. We look on 30-degree temps as a heat wave!  (but gee, what am I griping about -- Antarctica just set a record -- more than 135 degrees BELOW ZERO.)
     Despite the iciness, the Broncos won today's game against the Titans. People were standing up a lot in the fourth quarter -- not because they were excited, so much that they could move around to keep warm. It was COLD out there on the field, with big plumes of breath coming up from the players. On the other hand, the field was dry, in spite of a quick morning snowfall. A lot more snow on the field for the Lions and other teams today. 
     The Brick went down the hill to close the chickies up this evening in the twilight. He was just coming back up from the coop when he heard a cluck...one of the girls was sitting underneath the tree, rather than with her sisters. I'm so glad she said something, because she would most probably have frozen to death outside the coop. On the other hand, she may not have...these hens have weathered temps I would have thought would kill them, with no sign of discomfort at all. On the plus side, though, we keep a heat lamp in there that goes on at 40 degrees. 
     Holiday lights and decorations are shining up and down our street. I've got wreaths on the front door and a wooden arch by the steps, plus one little pathetic string of solar LED lights on the arch. Haven't done more because I've been trying to finish up a quilt restoration...and frankly, I just haven't felt up to it. Maybe in the next few days, after the quilt is delivered. And it warms up a little outside.

Update:   Linda lied -- both about her essay, and her current situation! See more here.

Now, on to thoughts about the guest post I recently posted, on why poor people make bad decisions. Thank you, Linda Tirado, for your willingness to share your thoughts on this subject!

I found this of special interest because I grew up pretty shorthanded in the income department. Our family would not have described ourselves as "poor," but we worked for everything we got. Both my brother and I had regular jobs beginning as soon as we were old enough to babysit, and or start working at stores. He worked at the tractor dealership my dad worked at -- I worked at the hardware store, beginning as a freshman in high school. We also both worked at the school cafeteria to earn our lunches, even though we also both did band and/or choir and sports.
     We did not go hungry, but we also did not buy tickets to events -- except for a subscription to a monthly travelogue, when I was little -- and our restaurant visits were reserved to birthdays or the Thursday night special at the local A&W. (Kids got a free drink, if the parents ordered one.) 
     There was also a number of years, back when the Brick went from being an engineer to driving a school bus, that we made less than $20,000 annually. (In fact, the first year, I remember it being $17,500.) This was with two middle-school-aged children and a mortgage payment. My business was just starting to establish itself; it brought in a little extra, but that was eaten up by expenses. I took every temp job I could, to help out, including some time working at Wal-Mart. (Which is not nearly as bad as the moaners imply. A fair amount of the people I knew who worked there had opportunities, but either didn't bother to apply for them, or didn't care. It was easier to gripe than try to improve.)
    Some memorable Christmases, nearly all the presents under the tree came via the thrift shop. Because that was all we could afford at the time. Both our girls worked part-time jobs to pay for clothes and incidentals; our youngest (like her mom and uncle before her) started at 14. (In Colorado, you can do this if you work fast food -- in her case, it was Taco Bell.)
     So, as someone who has known what it is to be poor, I feel I have a clearer look on the subject. 


  Linda begins by saying,
     They [the comments in this post] are random observations that might help explain the mental processes. But often, I think that we look at the academic problems of poverty and have no idea of the why. We know the what and the how, and we can see systemic problems, but it's rare to have a poor person actually explain it on their own behalf. So this is me doing that, sort of.

What follows seems to be a list of excuses -- and why they're okay, because after all, she's POOR.
 

"Rest is a luxury for the rich," she announces, and proceeds to list her daily schedule, including classes, two jobs, kids, etc. She then says she does have two days off a week from this hectic life, but she uses them for schoolwork, 'soothing' Husband and taking care of the kids.
     Welcome to life. We all have full schedules...and plenty of people with higher incomes feel exactly the same way you do. By the way...how come your husband doesn't seem to be working at all? Did you apply for financial aid? (I would think you're eligible for a boatload of it, in your current position.) Have you applied for a scholarship?
     And, although it doesn't feel like that now, school will end eventually. Short-term hard times do not mean that you're doomed to have them last forever. Yes, I know it feels like things will never change. What you feel -- and what is true -- are not always the same thing.

Next on the list: "I smoke. It's expensive. It's also the best option. You see, I am always, always exhausted. It's a stimulant." She needs it because of her hectic schedule. (See previous paragraph.) Hmmm. Smoking isn't just expensive -- it's OUTRAGEOUS. Could that money be used to start a savings account, instead of going up in smoke every day? There are other stimulants that help, like caffeine. Or drop a job (and have the Mister go to work, instead!) and get some sleep.

I was also puzzled by the rant about not being able to get a hotel room with $1000 in cash in her pocket (did you ever know a place that wouldn't accept cash?); accusing the Patriot Act of making it impossible for her to get a bank account (??), and describing herself as "not good enough" for anything but a kitchen job. (Honey, could it be your attitude that's not getting interviews, instead of your "bad teeth?" You look pretty good in the photo that accompanies the post...a heck of a lot cuter than me. And in spite of little money, I managed to get interviews for jobs. Hired, even. Obviously, you did too, since you have two jobs.)

"I make a lot of poor financial decisions. None of them matter, in the long term. I will never not be poor, so what does it matter if I don't pay a thing and a half this week instead of just one thing? It's not like the sacrifice will result in improved circumstances; the thing holding me back isn't that I blow five bucks at Wendy's. It's that now that I have proven that I am a Poor Person that is all that I am or ever will be. It is not worth it to me to live a bleak life devoid of small pleasures so that one day I can make a single large purchase. I will never have large pleasures to hold on to. There's a certain pull to live what bits of life you can while there's money in your pocket, because no matter how responsible you are you will be broke in three days anyway."
     Oh yeah? Has it ever occurred to you that this attitude -- and certainly your response to even trying to economize, or put money away -- is precisely what's keeping you poor?  Actually, small sacrifices can and will result in "improved circumstances." Even temporary sacrifices help. And why in the world would you think that it's not only okay, but important to spend every bit of money you've got, all the time? Won't your kids need food and clothes in the future? If you're not willing to save for your own sake, do it for theirs. Don't you want life to be better for them, at least?


"I am not asking for sympathy. I am just trying to explain, on a human level, how it is that people make what look from the outside like awful decisions. This is what our lives are like, and here are our defense mechanisms, and here is why we think differently. It's certainly self-defeating, but it's safer."
     Familiar, yes. Safer, no. Keep up your life this way, and when you're finally eligible for Social Security, you will have little else. Even worse, you will have brought up your children to think this is the way that everyone lives -- day to day, never planning for the future, never thinking about the consequences of your quickie decisions. They will expect to be taken care of, either by you or the government, instead of taking care of themselves.
     Not only that -- they'll be teaching their children the same thing. So the cycle continues.

    Is this what you REALLY want?

In her update, she mentions that a lot of people have given her money via Paypal, and substantially increased her yearly income, in the process. So let's see -- if she follows her credo, that extra will not go into an emergency fund, or buy food or clothing ahead for her kids. Instead, it will go for "luxuries." In a week or two, she'll be back in the same position, only this time with the knowledge that she just wasted a golden opportunity, with little to show for it.

     I really, really hope she uses it to change. She could. But I have my doubts.

Waiting For the New Hobbit

Are you a big fan of the Lord of the Rings, too?

I read them back in college, as a break from the realities of school. Somehow, wandering around on the plains with the gallant Riders of Rohan was a heck of a lot more interesting than filling the ice cream machine at the cafeteria. (One of my several jobs back then to pay tuition.) Although the Brick also read them about this time while in the Navy (we hadn't met yet), he came at them straight. My entry into this wonderful universe was more indirect -- I'd studied C.S. Lewis' books, and Tolkien was Lewis' friend.

We've been re-watching Peter Jackson's flicks, getting ready for:

The first Hobbit movie was terrific,

giving me high hopes for the new one, too.

There's actually a blog you can follow, if you're a Hobbit-lover. I must say...also being a huge Sherlock fan has given me a giggle about Martin Freeman and Benedict Cumberbatch starring together in this movie, as well...except in the Hobbit, Freeman is the head star, and it's reversed in Sherlock.  Go figure. They do work well together, but it's one of the odder combinations in filmdom. (P.S. How do they show up together in the Hobbit movie? Benedict is the dragon...)

C'mon time. Go faster...open, open, open.

2014's 'Official' Color Is Out!

Pantone's chosen color for 2014 is out...and it just continues the trend of brighter in-your-face shades. (I especially could have done without their 2009 choice...wear this shade, or paint your walls with it, and it makes you look like you've got the flu. Ewww.)

Previous years' colors:

 And this year's choice? Drumroll please....

RADIANT ORCHID!  ("A captivating, enigmatic, magical purple")

Okay with me...I love a beautiful fuschia or chartreuse. Pantone calls this "an enchanting harmony of fuchsia, purple and pink undertones" that "inspires confidence and emanates great joy, love and health." Sounds like someone is just a leetle bit fond of gushy emotions. But hey -- enthusiasm isn't to be sneezed at, even if it's corny.

I've been saying to students that we're headed toward the vivid, brassy colors of the Bicentennial era. This is just the continuing trend toward that direction -- more's coming!

(Read more about it here at Apartment Therapy, or on the Pantone site.)

Why Poor People Make Bad Decisions

I just read this post from Linda Tirado...see what you think.
I'll give you my opinion in a bit - but I'd like to hear yours, as well.
Linda's original link is here.

This Is Why Poor People's Bad Decisions Make Perfect Sense

There's no way to structure this coherently. They are random observations that might help explain the mental processes. But often, I think that we look at the academic problems of poverty and have no idea of the why. We know the what and the how, and we can see systemic problems, but it's rare to have a poor person actually explain it on their own behalf. So this is me doing that, sort of.
Rest is a luxury for the rich. I get up at 6AM, go to school (I have a full course load, but I only have to go to two in-person classes) then work, then I get the kids, then I pick up my husband, then I have half an hour to change and go to Job 2. I get home from that at around 12:30AM, then I have the rest of my classes and work to tend to. I'm in bed by 3. This isn't every day, I have two days off a week from each of my obligations. I use that time to clean the house and soothe Mr. Martini and see the kids for longer than an hour and catch up on schoolwork. Those nights I'm in bed by midnight, but if I go to bed too early I won't be able to stay up the other nights because I'll fuck my pattern up, and I drive an hour home from Job 2 so I can't afford to be sleepy. I never get a day off from work unless I am fairly sick. It doesn't leave you much room to think about what you are doing, only to attend to the next thing and the next. Planning isn't in the mix.
When I got pregnant the first time, I was living in a weekly motel. I had a minifridge with no freezer and a microwave. I was on WIC. I ate peanut butter from the jar and frozen burritos because they were 12/$2. Had I had a stove, I couldn't have made beef burritos that cheaply. And I needed the meat, I was pregnant. I might not have had any prenatal care, but I am intelligent enough to eat protein and iron whilst knocked up.
I know how to cook. I had to take Home Ec to graduate high school. Most people on my level didn't. Broccoli is intimidating. You have to have a working stove, and pots, and spices, and you'll have to do the dishes no matter how tired you are or they'll attract bugs. It is a huge new skill for a lot of people. That's not great, but it's true. And if you fuck it up, you could make your family sick. We have learned not to try too hard to be middle-class. It never works out well and always makes you feel worse for having tried and failed yet again. Better not to try. It makes more sense to get food that you know will be palatable and cheap and that keeps well. Junk food is a pleasure that we are allowed to have; why would we give that up? We have very few of them.
The closest Planned Parenthood to me is three hours. That's a lot of money in gas. Lots of women can't afford that, and even if you live near one you probably don't want to be seen coming in and out in a lot of areas. We're aware that we are not "having kids," we're "breeding." We have kids for much the same reasons that I imagine rich people do. Urge to propagate and all. Nobody likes poor people procreating, but they judge abortion even harder.
Convenience food is just that. And we are not allowed many conveniences. Especially since the Patriot Act passed, it's hard to get a bank account. But without one, you spend a lot of time figuring out where to cash a check and get money orders to pay bills. Most motels now have a no-credit-card-no-room policy. I wandered around SF for five hours in the rain once with nearly a thousand dollars on me and could not rent a room even if I gave them a $500 cash deposit and surrendered my cell phone to the desk to hold as surety.
Nobody gives enough thought to depression. You have to understand that we know that we will never not feel tired. We will never feel hopeful. We will never get a vacation. Ever. We know that the very act of being poor guarantees that we will never not be poor. It doesn't give us much reason to improve ourselves. We don't apply for jobs because we know we can't afford to look nice enough to hold them. I would make a super legal secretary, but I've been turned down more than once because I "don't fit the image of the firm," which is a nice way of saying "gtfo, pov." I am good enough to cook the food, hidden away in the kitchen, but my boss won't make me a server because I don't "fit the corporate image." I am not beautiful. I have missing teeth and skin that looks like it will when you live on B12 and coffee and nicotine and no sleep. Beauty is a thing you get when you can afford it, and that's how you get the job that you need in order to be beautiful. There isn't much point trying.
Cooking attracts roaches. Nobody realizes that. I've spent a lot of hours impaling roach bodies and leaving them out on toothpick pikes to discourage others from entering. It doesn't work, but is amusing.
"Free" only exists for rich people. It's great that there's a bowl of condoms at my school, but most poor people will never set foot on a college campus. We don't belong there. There's a clinic? Great! There's still a copay. We're not going. Besides, all they'll tell you at the clinic is that you need to see a specialist, which seriously? Might as well be located on Mars for how accessible it is. "Low-cost" and "sliding scale" sounds like "money you have to spend" to me, and they can't actually help you anyway.
I smoke. It's expensive. It's also the best option. You see, I am always, always exhausted. It's a stimulant. When I am too tired to walk one more step, I can smoke and go for another hour. When I am enraged and beaten down and incapable of accomplishing one more thing, I can smoke and I feel a little better, just for a minute. It is the only relaxation I am allowed. It is not a good decision, but it is the only one that I have access to. It is the only thing I have found that keeps me from collapsing or exploding.
I make a lot of poor financial decisions. None of them matter, in the long term. I will never not be poor, so what does it matter if I don't pay a thing and a half this week instead of just one thing? It's not like the sacrifice will result in improved circumstances; the thing holding me back isn't that I blow five bucks at Wendy's. It's that now that I have proven that I am a Poor Person that is all that I am or ever will be. It is not worth it to me to live a bleak life devoid of small pleasures so that one day I can make a single large purchase. I will never have large pleasures to hold on to. There's a certain pull to live what bits of life you can while there's money in your pocket, because no matter how responsible you are you will be broke in three days anyway. When you never have enough money it ceases to have meaning. I imagine having a lot of it is the same thing.
Poverty is bleak and cuts off your long-term brain. It's why you see people with four different babydaddies instead of one. You grab a bit of connection wherever you can to survive. You have no idea how strong the pull to feel worthwhile is. It's more basic than food. You go to these people who make you feel lovely for an hour that one time, and that's all you get. You're probably not compatible with them for anything long-term, but right this minute they can make you feel powerful and valuable. It does not matter what will happen in a month. Whatever happens in a month is probably going to be just about as indifferent as whatever happened today or last week. None of it matters. We don't plan long-term because if we do we'll just get our hearts broken. It's best not to hope. You just take what you can get as you spot it.
I am not asking for sympathy. I am just trying to explain, on a human level, how it is that people make what look from the outside like awful decisions. This is what our lives are like, and here are our defense mechanisms, and here is why we think differently. It's certainly self-defeating, but it's safer. That's all. I hope it helps make sense of it.

Additions have been made to the update below to reflect the responses received.
UPDATE: The response to this piece is overwhelming. I have had a lot of people ask to use my work. Please do. Share it with the world if you found value in it. Please link back if you can. If you are teaching, I am happy to discuss this with or clarify for you, and you can freely use this piece in your classes. Please do let me know where you teach. You can reach me on Twitter, @killermartinis. I set up an email at killermartinisbook@ gmail as well.
This piece has gone fully viral. People have been asking me to write, and how they can help. After enough people tried to send me paypal money, I set up a gofundme. Find it here. It promptly went insane. I have raised my typical yearly income as of this update. I have no idea what to say except thank you. I am going to speak with some money people who will make sure that I can't fuck this up, and I will use it to do good things with.
I've also set up a blog, which I hope you will find here.
Understand that I wrote this as an example of the thought process that we struggle with. Most of us are clinically depressed, and we do not get therapy and medication and support. We get told to get over it. And we find ways to cope. I am not saying that people live without hope entirely; that is not human nature. But these are the thoughts that are never too far away, that creep up on us every chance they get, that prey on our better judgement when we are tired and stressed and weakened. We maintain a constant vigil against these thoughts, because we are afraid that if we speak them aloud or even articulate them in our heads they will become unmanageably real.
Thank you for reading. I am glad people find value in it. Because I am getting tired of people not reading this and then commenting anyway, I am making a few things clear: not all of this piece is about me. That is why I said that they were observations. And this piece is not all of me: that is why I said that they were random observations rather than complete ones. If you really have to urge me to abort or keep my knees closed or wonder whether I can fax you my citizenship documents or if I really in fact have been poor because I know multisyllabic words, I would like to ask that you read the comments and see whether anyone has made your point in the particular fashion you intend to. It is not that I mind trolls so much, it's that they're getting repetitive and if you have to say nothing I hope you can at least do it in an entertaining fashion.
If, however, you simply are curious about something and actually want to have a conversation, I do not mind repeating myself because those conversations are valuable and not actually repetitive. They tend to be very specific to the asker, and I am happy to shed any light I can. I do not mind honest questions. They are why I wrote this piece.
Thank you all, so much. I don't know what life will look like next week, and for once that's a good thing. And I have you to thank.
This post first appeared on killermartinis.kinja.com

Knitting -- and Other Textile Pursuits -- Comfort and Something More

Meandering through an interesting post on what nine famous people take very seriously for hobbies, I found this:

Meryl Streep loves to knit!

She even knitted the shawl she wore for her part in the movie Doubt. 
(A lot of work there...I hope she got to keep it.)

On a BBC Radio interview some years ago, she said that she knits between filming, partly for stress management:

      "For me it was a place to gather my thoughts and understand the contemplative (life)".  She went on to say "It's a sort of clearing out place".

She's taught others in the film industry to knit, as well. Passing it on, so to speak.  And she's certainly not alone in her love of textile arts; many others do this. S. Epatha Merkerson, one of the cops on the long-running series Law and Order, is a dedicated quilter.

     I have long thought that there's something more to knitting, crochet and yes, quilting, that lets these pursuits calm and comfort our hearts. It's not just the creativity, or the sense of productiveness. It could be the physical sensation of repeatedly rubbing across the textiles as we sew/knit/crochet/embroider -- in the same way that following the rosary beads encourages recall as you repeat the words of the prayers.
    No, I'm not Catholic. But I do understand the value of prayer, and I have seen in my own life how my faith in Christ (the Boss) keeps me going. If the rosary encourages the meditative periods that prayer does for your life -- then why not.
    Or perhaps it's something more basic...the memory of the texture of a beloved "blankie" that repeats itself as the fabrics or yarn move through your fingers.

I do know that it works. 

Sewing with thread and fabric, or knitting a pair of slippers for much-loved daughters, calms me. Not only that, it gives me time to think and plan. Some of my best writing has happened during the same period I've been working on a new quilt design. They must originate in the same well of creativity -- because when the writing's going good, so is the quilting.

Try it yourself this busy holiday season. Even a small project inspires and helps!  

Monday Stuff On the Way to Other Stuff: Cleaning Up, Getting Done

Is it really December? I can still go outside barefoot...well, briefly, anyways. It's been a little warm outside. The chickens are out scratching away -- and going up in egg production all the time. Yesterday, our 16 hens kicked out 15 eggs!
      But a storm's coming. Clouds are hazing up over the mountains, and the wind's picked up. Lows are supposed to be in the single digits by the end of the week. So much for warmth. 
     The quilt restoration is nearly done. (It's been weeks longer than I hoped or planned.) I've got dozens of quilts to fold and put away, and paperwork needs to be double-checked for year's end. But it's more peaceful here than it's been in a long, long time. 
     Meanwhile:

Keeping yourself from overspending -- or throwing a pity party about it. (From  FI Journey.)

Need help paying your mortgage? If you'll let your house be painted for advertising purposes, they'll pay your mortgage for a year...then paint the house back to its original colors.

Is it better for a two-income couple earning only minimum wage to have one stay home? The Simple Dollar brings up some good points, including pointing out that you can waste just as much time and money at home, as you can at work. The larger question: can you commit to money-saving techniques, whether or not you're working?

The whole fuss about a homophobic restaurant receipt seems to be...a big fat hoax. Apparently it was done by the waitress who accused a couple of not only stiffing her, but writing an insulting message on the receipt. Oops...the couple proved they DID leave a tip. And they're disputing the message, as well.

Holiday gift card bonuses. (From My Frugal Miser) I'm planning on doing this via Red Robin -- a $100 worth of giftcards from them means a $20 bonus for me and the Brick!
    MFM's post on saving money by watching Youtube is also enlightening. Learn how to do something by watching a Youtube video, and you've just saved the the bucks you would have paid someone else to do it for you!

Holding forth on the 100% off Black Friday Sale. (From Mr. Money Moustache, who also did an interesting look at dealing with a power failure on his birthday.)

Having a simpler Christmas - 21 days, 21 posts from Moneysaving Mom. 

If you could turn back time, what would you tell your younger self? April at Get Rich Slowly (and a bunch of readers) have comments on this.

Karma's reunion with her calf. Cows are very intelligent creatures - way more than most people give them credit for. Take a look at this tearjerker...but ignore the corny music.

And an inside look as a tornado tears through a school in Lafayette, Indiana:

Starting Christmas: The Advent Wreath: Light Up Your Christmas Season

Want a simple, yet meaningful way to start your Christmas? Today (Sunday) is a perfect time to begin an Advent wreath -- a circle of greens topped by four candles, and often with an additional candle in the center.

The use of candles and wreaths to celebrate holidays has been happening for thousands of years, but the Advent wreath dates from either the 16th or the 19th century, depending on who you're talking to. It definitely is a church tradition...Wikipedia says the Lutheran church, but it was deeply imbedded in the celebrations of the Reformed church we were members of. 

Each of the candles represents a particular theme connected with the Christ Child. Light one a week, adding another each succeeding week, until all the candles are lit.

Week 1:  Prophecy Candle -- also known as the Expectation or Hope Candle
     (Read Isaiah 9:6-7 when lighting this one)

Week 2:  The Joy Candle -- also called the Bethlehem Candle, to celebrate the place of Christ's birth

Week 3:  The Shepherds Candle -- to honor those who first came to worship the Child

Week 4:  The Angels Candle - after the choir which announced Christ's nativity

And the central candle, the Christ candle (often white, to emphasize our cleansing from sin), is lit on Christmas Eve.

More on the Advent wreath is here.

You'll want to start right away -- traditionally the first candle is lit on the first Sunday after Nov. 30. (That makes it Dec. 1 this year.) The most popular colors for Advent candles in the Catholic church are purple (violet) and rose -- the same color as priests' robes, liturgically speaking. Violet is the color for penitence; rose, on the other hand, is often used for the third Sunday in Advent, 'Gaudete' (or "rejoice," from the Latin).

The liturgical robes for Advent

     Other candle colors, including blue, have been used, as well. (Red candles are most common for Protestant churches in Britain, according to Wikipedia.) The white central candle, however, stays consistent.
     Over the years, I've used several different color combinations and arrangements for our Advent wreaths, including small tea candles, like those below, arranged between fir branches. Try adding small Christmas balls, sequin trim or crystals for additional shine.

An Advent wreath not only makes good use of the wonderful candles we have access to this time of year, but it gives them a rich meaning that you can carry in your heart all year long. Try an Advent wreath -- you'll enjoy it.