According to Time magazine, the divorce rate in America is actually lowering: 16.9 divorces for every 1,000 women 15 or older in 2015. Compare this to nearly 23 divorces per 1,000 in 1980.
Tell that to a number of well-known bloggers who have experienced divorce in the past year, or in recent years, including Abigail at I Pick Up Pennies; The Queen of Fifty Cents; Penniless Parenting and Mr. Money Mustache. JD Roth of Get Rich Slowly is the old man of the group, having asked his wife back in 2012 for one.
Ouch.
It's simple to come up with reasons why divorces are happening. And there is plenty of speculation why it's happening, too. (Spouse-cheating is surprisingly not the major focus.) Because the bloggers I've mentioned tend to focus on frugality, there's also the accusation that being cheap ruined these marriages. (Mr. Money Mustache refuted that quite neatly.)
The irony in that is that divorce is never cheap -- in spite of what some of these bloggers would suggest. Mr. Money Mustache, who's never slow to blow his own horn, bragged that he and his ex-wife used a do-it-yourself divorce kit (less than $300). But he also mentioned that she kept the house...so he had to buy another one. Bet that cost him an extra penny or two. There are all sorts of interesting ways to waste money while going through the cycle.
What feels so strange about some of these divorces is their insistence that in spite of it all, they're going to remain good friends -- in fact, they'll be hanging out with each other! (J.D. Roth made a special point of emphasizing that they were even going on vacation together -- something that, I noticed, quietly went by the wayside a few months later.) Celebrities talk about this a lot, too -- in fact, they have such glowing comments about their soon-to-be-ex that it makes you wonder why they're getting divorced in the first place.
Would their kids have the same happy feeling about it all? In some ways, I'm grateful that a fair amount of divorces don't involve children, as well. (Don't even bring up pets in this equation.)
I wish I could say that divorce was a new development -- but you, I and everybody else in the civilized world knows that's not true. When the girlies, now in their early 30s, were in elementary school, one of their teachers took an informal poll of the parents in that class: we were one of three couples still married to our original partner.
And that was back in the early 1990s. Double ouch.
Marriage is never easy. It requires ranking another person's needs and desires as highly as your own -- or moreso. And that's hard. We were born thinking that our priorities should be #1 -- to everyone. That's just what being human entails.
So how can you help your marriage...or at least go into it with a clearer focus?
One word comes directly to mind -- and I'm saying this with 36+ years of marriage under my belt:
COMMITMENT.
Back in December 1981, I promised the Brick that I would be faithful -- not only physically, but emotionally. No matter what. That promise has held through unemployment, hospital stays, nervous breakdowns, children (who didn't cause the breakdown, I should emphasize), changes in careers, years of prosperity...and pennypinching just to survive.
It wasn't easy. It never is. But I made a promise then, and I intend to keep it for the rest of my life -- or his.
That means patience. A willingness to try something new. An insistence on staying -- even when it would be so easy to walk away. An emphasis on doing and sharing together.
I am very fortunate that the Brick feels the same way. From the start, he has valued my input and contributions. Not every man does that. (Nor every woman, sadly.)
This is a partnership, as much as it is a marriage. It has been, for a long, long time. It also means that we work on it daily, weekly, monthly...and adjust as needed to cope with hard times, as well as good.
It also means that when we're apart, even for a few days -- and this happens often, when I'm teaching out of state -- that I wander around, missing him. (He's been gone for almost a week now, visiting in North Carolina.)
Library books and videos pile up...I can't sleep, anyways. Meals are tater tots and cheese, or canned soup. (Frozen pizza's next -- probably for breakfast.) I call, or he does, and we put the dogs on the phone to talk to Mom or Dad. (They always look confused: 'Why is Dad's voice coming out of that little box?') I get really absentminded.
Do I have Work and Stuff to keep me occupied? Of course. Does the Brick talk a lot while he's here? Not really...he's a quiet sort of guy. But I love hearing what he has to say, feeling his warmth and quiet breathing at night, and watching his face while he's thinking. He drives me crazy -- and makes me laugh out loud. His input has made my writing, teaching and even appraising better.
He may be my husband -- but even more, he is my friend. And partner. And I love him more than I ever did, 36+ years ago.
And that, I'm guessing, is where these other bloggers crashed.
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